The more I feel like I’m trying to save myself from getting hurt, the more I actually feel hurt.
First of all, weather check! It’s that time of the year, and I’m opening my window because I loooove the rainy days and the sound of the rain.
Which reminds me, Phyllis and I share a lot of cliche rainy day guilty pleasures lol.
Anyway, yesterday’s going out with my cousin and talking about a recent date I went into has reopened some wounds I’ve been putting a band-aid on. Long story short, I went on an amazing date but it’s too good to be true and I’m scared of believing on something again then getting disappointed later. So I always do the thing I do best, all the moterfcking time: push people away.
Pushing people away saves me from future misery, I believe. Ending it “sooner than later” can cost me less than pushing it forward then finding out it’s not gonna work out anyway. However, today I’ve been asking myself, “To what am I actually saving myself from? From another heartbreak? From another failed relationship? I mean, will you ever know if someone is right or wrong for you in the beginning? Will choosing not to roll your dice again protect you from anything and give you peace of mind?” I don’t think so.
I mean, I’ve been through these things in the past, and I turned out okay now. In life, we win some, we lose some. But we always learn from everything we experience. We can always choose “not to learn” aka not apply the lessons from the past to a current situation because both situations are different. I tend to bring the past pains and lessons from past at the expense of my succeeding relationships with other people, and I have jeopardized a number of them. Boy, it sucks.
That’s it. I’m gonna try to win the amazing recent date back.
Grey’s Anatomy Season 17 Episode 10: Breathe (and words of wisdom from Mark and Lexie)
Lexie was not my favorite character and Season 17 was definitely not my favorite season, but this episode has exactly captured my existential worries especially this pandemic.
To be fair to Meredith, I also have the same mindset this pandemic. I can’t even celebrate something without guilt, I can’t comfortably do things other people have no privilege to do this pandemic, and I can’t even manage to go out without guilt with the fear of contributing to the spread of COVID-19. It’s just hard to be happy and positive when the world and the human race is hurting.
I want to travel, I want to go out. I want to meet new people. But man, I can’t risk it.
Risk? What risk? Take a look at what Lexie explained to Meredith here:
Every small thing is worth enjoying. The fact that the things we are lucky enough to have during this pandemic is already worth celebrating, and celebrating it may possibly hurt other people, but I don’t think we intend to do so. I can’t explain it.
All I’m saying is, here I am, worrying a lot and freaking out a lot about what could possibly happen if I give my recent date a chance, and he told me in return, “I consider it a gift. The fact that we have met, we connected, we shared a lot of things in common, what are the odds that it could happen?” He’s right. I’m such an overthinker and worrier. I need to practice taking things as they are, celebrate the moment, and not worry so much about tomorrow.
I don’t know, for some reason, this song resonates the feeling I want to feel for this man, so here you go.
And also, I’ve read a very beautiful novel by author Isabelle Broom entitled One Thousand Stars and You, and here was one of my favorite quotes:
I wish you the courage to take the risk. It’s gonna be worth it, it’s gonna hurt, I can’t tell. And nobody can. But you’ll be fine.